There is no magic list of secret tricks that will make a woman completely lose it in bed. Everyone’s different, sometimes very different, blah blah blah. Some among us will head straight towards a partner offering erotic electrostimulation, for example, others will run far far away. BUT, there are some basic ideas that apply to a whole lot of women, if not all. None of these concepts are like, “Touch this secret place to make them scream*,” but more like “Don’t have a dirty-ass bed.” (Which is honestly just good life advice, too.)
When a vulva comes your way, your first step is to talk to a new partner about what they might like—and if you’re with a partner you’ve been with for years, keep talking.
“Be open and receptive to feedback,” says Renée Hilliard, M.D., a trained Ob/Gyn and sex and relationship coach. “Getting butt hurt every time she gives a pointer sends the message that she and her pleasure are not that important to you or even that you don’t respect her body. Put your fragile ego aside and listen.”
Sexual preferences are a lot like how you order your pizza. In the same way some people dig pineapple or pepperoni or cauliflower crust, everyone has a different sexual taste, too. That’s because sexual preferences span across a spectrum, and what may turn someone on might have the very opposite effect for someone else.
So yes, even though every individual is different, there are a few solid things you can always keep in mind when having sex with a woman. And if you want to unlock those secrets, I’d highly recommend you 1) Communicate and ask your partner what she’s into, or 2) Refer to the tips in this article.
Because regardless of if this is a new partner or someone you’ve consistently had sex with, there are some things most women crave in the bedroom, but don’t necessarily want to ask for. In other words, you’re welcome for the peek inside the female brain.
*Okay, fine. The secret place is the clit. Most women love some sort of clit stimulation—whether you’re buzzing it hard with a toy, sucking on it, or even giving it the very softest indirect gentle rubbing from a place sorta near but OMG not directly ON the clit, FFS.
1. Some mood music
It makes everything seem more epic. (But curate your sex playlist. Nobody wants to be getting after it when “A Hard Knock Life” from “Annie” kicks on.)
2. Absolutely ZERO pressure
Seriously, none. About anything. Not to do anything she doesn’t want to do, not to have an orgasm, nothing. “If she’s struggling to reach orgasm, pressure, even subtle pressure like asking ‘Are you close?’ can turn her off,” says Hilliard, speaking truth. “Asking beforehand for her to let you know when she’s ready for penetration and when she feels satisfied is great bedroom etiquette.”
3. Waiting, just a little
Throwing down on the nearest floor is fine sometimes when a dramatic flourish is necessary, but for the most part, slow and steady wins the race, as noted sexologist Aesop said. “Get to the point where she’s begging for more. Start with non-genital contact and move slowly toward the goods,” says Hilliard. “Women are wired to relax this way. Experiment with different speeds and pressures of touch. A pussy massage is the best thing known to womankind. You’ll be a sex god if you offer one spontaneously.”
4. Using toys
Toys are great for changing things up, inspiring fantasies and giving that extra ooomph of stimulation to get someone through some orgasm-blocking monkey brain worries.
5. Time and attention
It may seem like an obvious “duh” but you’d be surprised by how quickly things can move in the moment. For sex of any kind, choose to take the scenic route instead of the short cut, advises certified sexologist Gail Crowder. “Start from the top of our head and go all the way down to our toes. It truly takes women 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm, so having a patient partner helps us experience sexual fulfillment,” she says.
The only thing hotter than feeling like a priority is the g’dam sun itself. “Women want a partner who puts her needs first and makes her pleasure a priority,” says dating expert Jaida Pervis, a senior VP at matchmaking firm Select Date Society. “The great thing about being a selfless lover is that your partner will want to reciprocate.” (Which seems like a win-win here.)
7. A safe space that is free of judgement
“Sex isn’t always perfect—unexpected things happen like cramps, periods, queefs, gagging, and more,” says clinical sexologist Cain Joyland. “All are quite common and may seem embarrassing, but women want to feel safe during sex and know that whatever happens is okay and free of judgement.” These are the things you should 100 percent laugh about and move on from, mmk?
Look, no one wants to bone in one position all night. Novelty is what excites the brain, whether that’s through a new sex position, toy, or outfit. Tyomi Morgan, certified sexologist for Sweet Vibes, suggests playing more games, experimenting with different sex positions, having sex in different places in the home, and/or using a toy. The reason: “Doing the same moves and having sex in the same positions or in the same place becomes mundane for women who are in long term partnerships or if they are having sex with the same person consistently.”
9. Cunnilingus on par with every dude’s blow job fantasy
You know how guys want you to be so into sucking their dick that you’re literally like, gagging and tearing up? We want the same for when we get head. No, you don’t have to tear up, but passionate enthusiasm never hurt anyone. “Let her know you want feedback. Ask her multiple times if it feels good and if there’s anything you could do to make it even better,” says Hilliard. “If you don’t know what you are doing, learn. This is the information age, there are plenty of resources.”
10. Ability to read the room re: cuddling
Sometimes you want to be cuddled and spooned, sometimes you want to stay on opposite sides of the bed. While these preferences can differ not only from person-to-person, but also with each situation, it’s best to check in with your partner and see what’s up. Just a simple “Can I spoon you?” or something works here.
11. An open mind
Maybe you want to bring toys into the mix or try something different in bed. Being vulnerable when you’re naked is even harder, so having a partner who you can trust and feel safe around is key.
12. Vocal enthusiasm
There is nothing hotter than a partner who is just stoked to be with you and can’t stop geeking out over how hot he thinks you are, or how much you turn him on. Get loud and get freaky with it. Tell her how much you want her and can’t stop thinking about her.
13. Peace of mind when it comes to protection
Be prepared, and assume we’re doing it with a condom unless otherwise agreed upon beforehand. Don’t pressure me to take it off halfway through or look at me dumbfounded with your dick hanging out of your pants like you’ve never heard the word “condom” before. Just don’t do it! I will walk out. I really will.
14. An orgasm
Sex shouldn’t end with just the male orgasm — especially if she hasn’t had one yet. If you’re going to be too exhausted after you orgasm, make sure she’s taken care of beforehand. It’s not rocket science. If you know, for sure, you’re going to get yours, wouldn’t you want your partner to enjoy herself too?
There’s a time and a place for wordlessly-grunty sex, but having a partner who asks if you’re into something or if you want it another way is also nice. You don’t get any extra points for making it to the finish line without saying a peep.
16. A clean bed
It’s really, really hard to let yourself go and enjoy yourself if you can feel your calves brushing up against any sedimentary layers of sweat, grime, and hookups past on his Target comforter with every grunt.
17. A spare phone charger
If I have to call an Uber afterwards, I want to be able to listen to music or check Twitter on my ride back, and I can’t do that if I stupidly let my phone just rot for the nine and a half minutes we had sex. And if I’m staying the night, I might still want to check Twitter if you fall asleep before me. Sue me!
It’s not a race to the finish line! You can take your time and draw stuff out and enjoy yourselves. A little patience will carry you a long, long way. Besides, if the orgasm was the only thing that mattered about sex, I’d be dating the USB brick that charges my vibrator.
19. Sock removal
Please, please remove your socks before sex. It’s just so weird to see someone like, fully naked but still wearing socks that it can really take you out of the moment. Plus, then you run into the weird thing of like, “Should I have left my socks on?” “Do they not like feet?” “Do they think my feet are ugly?!” and spiraling into a hole of foot-based anxiety, which is not a place anybody likes to be.
20. Realistic expectations
Please don’t climb into bed with me just to morph from Jake in accounting to Ron Jeremy. Porn sex is cool and all, but real life sex isn’t always like that, and I resent the notion that it’s totally normal for a guy to flip you over wordlessly and try to stick it in your ass while calling you a dirty slut and telling you he’s gonna finish in your hair. Like, we just watched three episodes of Frasier on your laptop, stop acting like your convertible 2-bed is a sex dungeon. Chill.