Do you know someone that just seems to irritate and wind you up for no reason? No matter what you do you canโt get on with them? Perhaps you wonder if itโs something you are doing that makes them act in this way?
Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that itโs not you. The bad news is that they probably have an abrasive personality, and that is going to be difficult to manage.
What Is an Abrasive Personality?
Someone with an abrasive personality annoys or upsets people. These are the people that rub others up the wrong way and can be infuriating to be around.
Although the abrasive personality is not a diagnosed medical disorder, there are two known types:
- Without self-awareness (they donโt know they are being abrasive)
- With self-awareness (they do know, but they donโt care)
People with abrasive personalities tend to have a sharp tongue and donโt care who they offend. They are highly opinionated and usually only see things in black or white.
This type of person likes to thinkย they are right all the timeย and feels they are superior to those around them. Theyโll say things like โWhat you should have doneโฆโย orย โWhat I would have doneโฆโ
Abrasive personalities come across asย blunt, โSay it how it isโ and โSay it to your faceโ kind of people. Thereโs no filter on their thoughts. They prefer to dole out criticism, rather than accept some themselves.
8 Signs of an Abrasive Personality
1. They are blunt and overly direct
Youโll often witness this type of personality say that they prefer someone to tell them straight, or to their face. This is all well and good, after all, no one likesย being talked about behind their back.
But there is a way of being direct without upsetting people. Most of us think about the consequences of what we say before we say it. We might consider that it is better to be kind than truthful.
I have a friend with an abrasive personality. On one occasion I was wearing a new coat and without prompting she told me that she didnโt like the colour, it didnโt suit me. I hadnโt asked her opinion. I told her I thought she was being a bit rude and she replied that she was just being honest.
This is typical of abrasive personalities. They think theirย honestyย is a trait to be admired.
2. They are domineering with big egos
Someone with an abrasive personality tends to be bossy and overbearing. These people love the sound of their own voices. They want the spotlight to be on them.
Theyโll be the loudest person in a discussion; the one that interrupts to put their point of view forward. Theyโll shut down other opinions with sarcasm or disdain.
As far as they are concerned, they are top dog, they have the ultimate authority on the matter and theyโre not bothered what you think.
3. They are always right
One aspect of the abrasive personality is that they always think they are right. Of course, we all like to think that, but these abrasive people push it to the next level.
They utiliseย black and white thinkingย when making decisions. In their mind, something is either right or wrong. There are no middle ground or grey areas.
We canโt all be right all of the time. However, try saying that to someone with an abrasive personality. Abrasive people tend to beย narrow-mindedย in their thinking. Whatโs more, they wonโt listen to alternative views once they have made their mind up.
4. They donโt listen
Talking about not listening, I know that being aย good listenerย is hard sometimes. I have to stop myself and focus on the other person, and not think about formulating my response while they are still talking.
But abrasive types donโt listen, full stop. Your opinion is irrelevant to them. What they want is for you to stop talking so that they can take centre stage.
5. They use their bluntness as protection
I believe abrasive people, whether they know they are being abrasive or not, use their blunt nature as a form of protection. Deep down, these people are insecure andย vulnerable. Striking out with brutal honesty is the equivalent of getting in the first punch.
6. They have no tolerance for weakness or failure
Perhaps because abrasive personalities do have a deep-seated sense of insecurity, they are particularly intolerant of weakness. If you abhor something so strongly, you donโt have it in your own life.
I thinkย Carl Jungโs Shadow Selfย explains this sign of an abrasive personality very well. We hate the traits we see in others because it reminds us of our failures. These are failures we might not be able to change or accept.
I think itโs the same with abrasive people.
7. They canโt empathise
Because abrasive personalities are so focused on getting the spotlight or forcing their views on others, theyย lack empathy. This isnโt surprising when you think that they donโt care about peopleโs views or points of view. Why then should they care about how someone is feeling emotionally?
8. They donโt have many long-term friends
One interesting trait of abrasive personalities is that they lack long-term friendships. They might have friends, but dig a little deeper and youโll find that these are pretty recent acquisitions and the relationships are quite shallow.
Normally, people have a wide-ranging group of friends. People they went to school with or worked with, in the past. Or friends of friends that have stayed in touch. They might not have many friends (if they areย introvertsย for example), but the ones they do have will be meaningful.
Because abrasive personalities wind people up and annoy those around them, youโll find that typically, these people donโt stick around for long.
How to Deal with an Abrasive Person
The way you want to handle an abrasive person depends on the situation and their relationship to you. I have a friend whoseย mother is abrasiveย and he has decided to spend as little time with her as possible. She is in her late 70s now and wonโt change her personality.
The problem is that abrasive people think they are right and donโt listen to opposing views. So you have your work cut out right from the start.
But there are a few things you can do:
- Use facts and figures, not emotion
You have to try and help the abrasive person see a different reality. As they have a lack of empathy, use logic and the facts to show them.
For example, my friendโs abrasive mother was asked, in a matter-of-fact way, to speculate why no one visited her, sent her Motherโs Day cards, or invited her to their homes. This stage is the most difficult because it might reveal their insecurities.
- Use their intolerance for weakness to challenge them
No one wants to admit to being a failure or havingย undesirable personality traits. But you can play up to the abrasive personalityโs need for the spotlight.
Challenge them to change. Put their competitive nature to the test. Tell them you donโt think they are up to the task. Abrasive people have big egos, so if you stroke it properly, you can use their ego to your advantage.
Final Thoughts
Being around abrasive people is draining. So much so that some of us choose to cut off all contact with the abrasive personality. Itโs up to you whether you want to help them change their ways, or go your own way.
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