Small Story

The Man Who Did Not Go to Heaven on Tuesday by Ellis Parker Butler


The Man Who Did Not Go to Heaven on Tuesday was published in The Century Magazine, July, 1913.
UNCLE NOAH PRUTT, sitting in the front row of seats, leaned forward and put his hand behind his ear, vainly seeking to hear what his wife was saying to Judge Murphy. From time to time he stood up, trying to hear the better, but each time the lanky policeman pushed him back into his seat.

โ€œJudge, yer Honor,โ€ said the policeman, after the fifth time, โ€œthis man here has nawthinโ€™ tโ€™ do with thโ€™ case, anโ€™ heโ€™s disthurbinโ€™ thโ€™ coort. Shall I thrun him out?โ€

โ€œLet him be, Flaherty, let him be!โ€ said the justice, carelessly, and at the words Uncle Noah arose and came forward to the black walnut bar that separated the raised platform of the justice from the rest of the room.

โ€œAh pleads not guilty, Judge!โ€ said Uncle Noah, laying one trembling hand on the rail and pushing forward his ear with the other. He was a coal black Negro, with close-kinked white hair that looked like a white wig. His nose was large and flattened against his face, and his eyeballs were streaked with brown veins that gave him a dissipated look. He was the type of Negro that, at fifty, claims eighty years of age, and, so judged, Uncle Noah Prutt might have been anywhere between sixty and one hundred and ten. As he stood at the bar his black face bore a look of the most deeply pained resentment, and his thick lower lip protruded loosely as a sign of woe.

โ€œSit down!โ€ shouted both the justice of the peace and the policeman, and, with his lip hanging still lower, Uncle Noah backed into his seat. He sat as far forward as he could, and leaned his head still farther forward.

โ€œWho is that man?โ€ asked the justice of no one in particular.

โ€œHim? Heโ€™s mah husbanโ€™,โ€ said the young colored woman, with a slight up-tilt of her nose. โ€œYoโ€™ donโ€™ need to pay no โ€™tention to him at all, Jedge. Ah ainโ€™ ask him to come yere. He ainโ€™ yere in no capacity but audjeence, he ainโ€™.โ€

โ€œHe has no connection with this case?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œNo, sah!โ€ said the young woman, decidedly.

โ€œIf he makes any more trouble, Flaherty,โ€ said the justice, โ€œput him out of the court. Now, what is this trouble, Sally?โ€

The young woman standing against the bar was fit to be classed as a beauty. Well-formed, with a rich yellow skin through which the blood glowed in her cheeks, with masses of black hair and her head carried high, she was superb, even in her cheap print wrapper. Even the fact that her feet were hideous in a pair of broken and run-down shoes of the sort worn by men did not impair her general appearance of an injured brown Venus seeking justice, and when she glanced at the prisoner her bosom heaved with anger and her brown eyes glowed dangerously.

The prisoner sat humped down in a chair in an attitude of the most profound dejection. He was of a darker brown than the woman, and so loose of joint that when he moved he flopped. His feet were so large as to be almost grotesque, and he was so thin that the bones of his shoulders were outlined by his light coat. But as he sat in the prisonerโ€™s seat his face was the most noticeable feature. It was thin and long for a Negro, but with such high and prominent cheek-bones that his eyes seemed hidden in deep caves, and the eyes were like those of a dog that knows he is to be beaten. His wide mouth hung far down at the corners. He was a picture of the utterly crushed, the utterly helpless, the utterly hopeless. He was the shiftless Negro, with the last ray of hope extinguished. He had but one thing to look forward to, and that was the worst. As the justice asked Sally the question the prisonerโ€™s mouth sagged a bit farther at the ends, and his eyes took a still sadder dullness.

[Pg 341]

โ€œYoโ€™ ainโ€™ miss it none when yoโ€™ asks whut am dis trouble, Jedge,โ€ said Sally, angrily. โ€œDis yere ainโ€™ nuttinโ€™ but trouble, anโ€™ I gwine ask yoโ€™ to send dis yere Silas to jail forebber anโ€™ ebber. Yassah! Anโ€™ den he ainโ€™ gwine be in jail long enough to suit me. Anโ€™ Ah gwine ask yoโ€™ to declare damages agโ€™inst him, foโ€™ huhtinโ€™ mah feelinโ€™s, anโ€™ foโ€™ tryinโ€™ to drown me, anโ€™ foโ€™ abductinโ€™ me away from dat poor olโ€™ no-โ€™count Noah whut am mah husbanโ€™, anโ€™ foโ€™ alieamatinโ€™ mah affections, onโ€™y he couldnโ€™t. When Ah whack him awn de head wid dat bed-slatโ€”โ€

โ€œNow, one minute,โ€ said the justice, raising his hand. โ€œFlaherty, what do you know about this case?โ€

โ€œWell, yer Honor,โ€ said the policeman, in the confidential tone an officer of the law assumes when he feels that he, and he only, can explain matters, โ€œthโ€™ way ut was was this way: I was walkinโ€™ me beat up there awn Twilfโ€™ Strate this mawrninโ€™, like I always does, whin I heard a yellinโ€™ anโ€™ a shoutinโ€™. So I run into thโ€™ lotโ€”โ€

โ€œWhat lot?โ€ asked Justice Murphy.

โ€œโ€™Twas betwane Olive anโ€™ Beech Strates, yer Honor. This here deff man, Noah Prutt, lives in a shack-like there, facinโ€™ awn thโ€™ strate. Thโ€™ vacant lot is full iv thim hazel-brushes anโ€™ what all I dunno.โ€

โ€œYou said there was a shanty on the lot. How could it be a vacant lot if there was a shanty on it?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œNow, yer Honor,โ€ said Flaherty, with an ingratiating smile, โ€œthereโ€™s moore than wan lot in thโ€™ wurrld, ainโ€™t there? Thโ€™ lot this Noah Prutt lives awn is wan iv thim. And thโ€™ nixt wan is another iv thim. Anโ€™ thโ€™ nixt wan tโ€™ that is thโ€™ third iv thim, anโ€™ thโ€™ ould Darky owns all iv thim, and iv thโ€™ three iv thim but wan is vacant, and thatโ€™s thโ€™ middle wan. Thereโ€™s a shanty awn thโ€™ furrst wan, and thereโ€™s a shanty awn thโ€™ thurrd wan, anโ€™ as I was sayinโ€™, thereโ€™s nawthinโ€™ awn thโ€™ vacant wan excipt brush-like, anโ€™ mebby a few trees, anโ€™ some tin cans, anโ€™ whatnot.โ€

โ€œVery good!โ€ said his honor. โ€œGo ahead.โ€

โ€œWell, sor,โ€ said Flaherty, โ€œthis Prutt anโ€™ this wife iv his lives in thโ€™ furrst shanty, but thโ€™ other wan is vacant excipt whin โ€™t is occupied. Thโ€™ ould man rints ut now anโ€™ again, anโ€™ a dang lonely habitation ut is, set โ€™way back frโ€™m thโ€™ strate, like ut is. So here I was, cominโ€™ along, whin I hear thโ€™ racket in thโ€™ vacant lot, anโ€™ whin I got there amidst thโ€™ hazel-brush here was this Sally a-hammerinโ€™ this Silas over thโ€™ head wid a bed-slat, anโ€™ him yellinโ€™ bloody-murdther. So I tuck thim up, thโ€™ botโ€™ iv thim, yer Honor.โ€

โ€œAnd thatโ€™s all you know of the case?โ€ asked the judge.

โ€œExcipt what she tould me,โ€ said Flaherty.

โ€œAnd what was that?โ€ asked Judge Murphy.

โ€œUt was what previnted me from arristinโ€™ her for assault anโ€™ batthery,โ€ said Flaherty, โ€œfor if iver a man was assaulted anโ€™ batthered, this same Silas was. She can wield a bed-slat like a warryor.โ€

โ€œAhโ€™d โ€™aโ€™ killed him! Ahโ€™d โ€™aโ€™ killed him shore!โ€ said Sally.

โ€œShe wโ€™uโ€™d!โ€ said Flaherty, briefly. โ€œThim Naygurs have thโ€™ harrd heads, but wan more whack anโ€™ heโ€™d iv had a crack in thโ€™ cranyum. So I wrested thโ€™ bed-slat from her. Thโ€™ place looked like thereโ€™d been a war, yer Honor. Plinty iv thim hazel-brushes sheโ€™d mowed down wid thโ€™ bed-slat thryinโ€™ tโ€™ murdther him. Anโ€™ whin I heard thโ€™ sthory, I did not blame her.โ€

โ€œI have been waiting patiently to hear it myself,โ€ said the justice.

โ€œAccordinโ€™ tโ€™ thโ€™ lady,โ€ said Flaherty, โ€œsheโ€™s a respictable married woman, yer Honor, bound in thโ€™ clamps iv wedlock to this Noah Prutt, anโ€™ niver stheppinโ€™ tโ€™ wan side iv thโ€™ path iv wifely duty or to thโ€™ other. โ€™Tis nawthinโ€™ tโ€™ us why a foine-lookinโ€™ gurrl like her shโ€™uโ€™d marry anโ€™ ould felly like him. Maybe him havinโ€™ two houses atthracted her. I dunno. But, annyway, sheโ€™s had tโ€™ wash thโ€™ wolf from thโ€™ doore.โ€

โ€œHad to do what?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œGo out doinโ€™ weekโ€™s wash tโ€™ kape food in thโ€™ house,โ€ explained Flaherty. โ€œFor thโ€™ ould man will not wurrk much. Heโ€™s got that used tโ€™ livinโ€™ awn thโ€™ rint iv thโ€™ exthra shanty, ye see. Anโ€™ thereโ€™s been no rint cominโ€™ in this long whiles, for thโ€™ prisoner at thโ€™ bar has been thโ€™ tinint iv thโ€™ shanty, anโ€™ he ped no rint at all.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œWell, sor,โ€ said Flaherty, rubbing the hair at the back of his neck and grinning,[Pg 342] โ€œthโ€™ lady here says heโ€™s been that busy coortinโ€™ her heโ€™s had no time tโ€™ wurrk. โ€™Twas nawthinโ€™ frโ€™m wan ind iv thโ€™ week till thโ€™ other but, โ€˜Will ye elope wid me, darlint?โ€™ anโ€™, โ€˜Come now, lโ€™ave thโ€™ ould man anโ€™ be me own turtle-dove!โ€™โ€

โ€œAh tolโ€™ him Ah gwine murder him ef he gwine keep up dat-a-way of proceedinโ€™!โ€ cried Sally, shrilly. โ€œAh tolโ€™ him! Ah say, โ€˜Go on away, you wuthless deadbeat Nigger! Whaโ€™ donโ€™ you pay yoโ€™ rent like a man, befoโ€™ yoโ€™ come talkinโ€™ โ€™bout supportinโ€™ a lady?โ€™ Dass whut Ah tolโ€™ him, Jedge. Anโ€™ whut he say? He say, โ€˜Sally gal! Ah gwine nab yoโ€™ anโ€™ hab yoโ€™. Ah gwine steal yoโ€™ anโ€™ lock yoโ€™ up, anโ€™ nail yoโ€™ up, anโ€™ keep yoโ€™!โ€™ Dass whut he say. Anโ€™ he done hit!โ€

โ€œStole you, and locked you up?โ€ asked the judge.

โ€œYassah!โ€ cried Sally, glaring at the trembling Silas. โ€œHe lock me up, anโ€™ he nail me up, anโ€™ he try to drown me, ef Ah ainโ€™ say whut he want me to say. Dat low-down, hypocritical Nigger! Yassah! Ah tole him, โ€˜Silas, ef yoโ€™ donโ€™ go way anโ€™ leave me alone Ah gwine tek mah hands anโ€™ Ah gwine yank all de wool right offen yoโ€™ haid!โ€™ Dass whut Ah say, Jedge. Anโ€™ Ah say, โ€˜Ef yoโ€™ donโ€™ shet up Ah gwine tear yoโ€™ eyes out!โ€™ Anโ€™ Ah means it. Talkinโ€™ up to me like dat! Anโ€™ den whut he do?โ€

She held out her hand toward the dejected Silas and shook her finger at him.

โ€œDen whut he do? He see Ah ainโ€™ to be coaxโ€™ dat-a-way, โ€™cause he a no-โ€™count Nigger, anโ€™ he let on he purtind he get religion anโ€™ wuk on mah feelinโ€™s. Yassah! โ€™Cause he know Ahโ€™s religious mahsilf anโ€™ he cogitate how he come lak a snake in de grass anโ€™ cotch me whin Ah ainโ€™ thinkinโ€™ no meanness of him. So long come dish yere prophet-man, whut call hisself Obediah, whut get all de Niggers wuk up anโ€™ a-shoutinโ€™ over yonder on de olโ€™ camp grounโ€™s. Ah amโ€™ tek no stock in dat Obediah prophet-man, Jedge, โ€™cause Ah a good Baptisโ€™, lak mah husbanโ€™ yonder; but plinty of de black folks dey run to him, anโ€™ dey hear him perorate anโ€™ carry on, anโ€™ dey get sot in dere minds dat dey gwine to hebben lasโ€™ Tuesday night whin de sun set. Yassah, dass whut dey think, โ€™cause de prophet-man he pretch dat-a-way. Anโ€™ dis yere Silas he let on he gwine to hebben along wid de rest of de folks.โ€

She let her lip curl scornfully.

โ€œHim a-gwine to hebben!โ€ she scoffed. โ€œBut Ah ainโ€™ but half believe he got religion lak he say. Ah say, โ€˜Luk out, Sally! Ef he gwine to hebben nexโ€™ Tuesday let him go; anโ€™ if he ainโ€™ gwine, let him alone.โ€™ But yoโ€™ look at him, Jedge! Jes look at him! He ainโ€™ look so dangeroos, is he? Anโ€™ whin he come to me anโ€™ say, โ€˜Sally, Ah done got quit of de olโ€™ Nick whut was in me, anโ€™ Ah gwine be lak dat no moโ€™,โ€™ Ah jes got to believe him. Yassah! He dat pernicious meek anโ€™ lowly anโ€™ sorrumful-like dat Ah ainโ€™ suspict no divilment at all. โ€˜Ah feel troubled in mah conscience,โ€™ he say, โ€˜โ€™cause Ah been tryinโ€™ to lead yoโ€™ on de wrong paff, anโ€™ Ah canโ€™t go to hebben nexโ€™ Tuesday lesโ€™ yoโ€™ forgib me,โ€™ he say, anโ€™ he look so downheartโ€™ anโ€™ seem lak he so set on gwine to hebben wid de rest ob de folks, dat Ah say, โ€˜All right, Silas, Ah donโ€™ hold no hard feelinโ€™s. Ef yoโ€™ donโ€™ bodder me no more, Ah forgib yoโ€™ whut is pasโ€™ anโ€™ done for, but ef yoโ€™ gwine to hebben yoโ€™ better clean up yoโ€™ house anโ€™ put hit in order, lak de Book say, before yoโ€™ start, โ€™cause ef yoโ€™ donโ€™ yoโ€™ gwine get sint back, shore!โ€™ So he let on lak dat how he think, too. He purtind to thank me kinely foโ€™ dat recommindation, anโ€™ he askโ€™ cโ€™uโ€™d Ah lind him a scrub pail anโ€™ a mop anโ€™ a broom, twell he clean up he house. Anโ€™ I so done.

โ€œDass all right! He scrub, anโ€™ he wash, anโ€™ he clean, anโ€™ he move all he furniture out in de lot, anโ€™ he clean, anโ€™ he wash, anโ€™ he scrub! He ainโ€™ wuk lak dat foโ€™ months, Jedge. So den Ah think shore he got religion, lak he let on. So, come Monday, Ah got a job down to Misโ€™ Gilbertโ€™s scrubbinโ€™ her house, anโ€™ Ah jes got to hab dat pail anโ€™ dat mop anโ€™ dat broom. So Ah tell Noah whut job Ah got, anโ€™ Ah say, โ€˜Noah, Ah gwine down to Misโ€™ Gilbertโ€™s house, foโ€™ to help clean house, anโ€™ ef she want me, Ah gwine stay right dah twell de house all cleanโ€™ up.โ€™ Cause dat a long perambulation down to Misโ€™ Gilbertโ€™s house, Jedge, anโ€™ ef she ask me to stay a couple oโ€™ days, Ah gwine save mah breakfasโ€™ anโ€™ mah suppah whilst Ah stay down yonder. So Ah go outen de house anโ€™ Ah walk down de street twell Ah come to de gate whut lead up to Silasโ€™ house, anโ€™ Ah walk up de paff, anโ€™ Ah knock on de doโ€™. Nobody say nuffinโ€™! Ah knock agโ€™in. Nobody say nuffinโ€™! Ah open de doโ€™ gintly, anโ€™ Ah peek in. Ai[Pg 343]nโ€™ nobody in de shack at all. So Ah steps in, foโ€™ to get mah pail anโ€™ mah mop anโ€™ mah broom.

โ€œDab dey set, right by de doโ€™, anโ€™ excipt foโ€™ dem, dey ainโ€™ nuffinโ€™ in de shack at all but de straw outen Silas heโ€™s bed, anโ€™ dat all scatter arounโ€™ lak to dry anโ€™ air out. Excipt dey one bed-slat whut Ah calculate Silas he keep handy foโ€™ to whack at de rats, which am mighty pestiferous about dat shack. So whin Ah seen he done clean up yeverything as neat as a pin, my heart soften unto him. Ah jes gwine feel sorry foโ€™ him, de leasโ€™ little bit. So Ah gwine look in de cupboard to see ef he got plenty to eatโ€”anโ€™ he ainโ€™ got nuffinโ€™ in de cupboard but a box of matches, anโ€™ dat all! So Ah feel right smart sorry I been scold him lak I do, anโ€™ Ah gwine pick up mah pail anโ€™ mah mop anโ€™ mah broom whinโ€”bang!โ€”de doโ€™ go shut anโ€™ Ah all in de dark.โ€

โ€œSome one shut the door?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œHe shet de doโ€™!โ€ shouted Sally, shrilly, pointing her finger at the trembling Silas. โ€œHe shet de doโ€™, anโ€™ he lock de doโ€™, anโ€™ he start to nail de doโ€™, lak he say he would! Yassah! Ah bang mahsilf agโ€™inst de doโ€™ anโ€™ Ah yell anโ€™ shout, anโ€™ de doโ€™ donโ€™t budge, โ€™cause hit locked. Anโ€™ all de whileโ€”bam! bam! bam!โ€”he nailinโ€™ de doโ€™ from de outside. Ah pounโ€™ wif mah fists anโ€™ Ah peck up mah pail anโ€™ slam at de doโ€™ twell de pail all busโ€™ to pieces, anโ€™ Ah bang mah mop to pieces, butโ€”bam! bam! bam!โ€”he go on nailinโ€™.โ€

She paused for breath, and Silas opened his mouth, as if to speak, but closed it again.

โ€œYassah!โ€ she shrilled, glaring at Silas, โ€œhe nail up de doโ€™ so Ah canโ€™t budge hit, anโ€™ whin Ah try de windows, dey nailed up too.โ€

โ€œThereโ€™s two iv thim doors,โ€ explained Flaherty, โ€œanโ€™ both iv thim open outward. Heโ€™d nailed sthrips acrost thim. Thโ€™ two windys has wooden shutters, and heโ€™d nailed thim fast.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ exclaimed Justice Murphy. โ€œHe nailed the woman in?โ€

โ€œHe did, sor!โ€

โ€œButโ€”but this is outrageous!โ€ exclaimed the justice.

All three glared at the dejected Silas, and did not see Noah Prutt as he arose from his chair.

โ€œMake him pay, Jedge! Make him pay!โ€ cried Noah, eagerly.

โ€œSit ye down!โ€ cried Flaherty, in a voice of thunder, and Noah subsided. On the edge of his chair he nodded like a toy mandarin. He understood that things were going badly for Silas, and that was enough to please him. Sally turned to him and shouted in his ear.

โ€œShet up anโ€™ stay shet!โ€ she cried. โ€œThis is none of yoโ€™ business, Noah. Ah gwine manage this mahsilf!โ€

The old man smiled and nodded his willingness. As she turned away he touched her on the arm.

โ€œThutty dollahs,โ€ he said, and nodded and smiled again.

โ€œThutty nuffinโ€™s!โ€ she muttered. โ€œAh guess yoโ€™ Honor will know whut Ah ought to get from dat Silas, anโ€™ whut he ought to get from yoโ€™. โ€™Cause Ah suffer a heap oโ€™ distress of minโ€™ anโ€™ body whilst Ah been shet up in dat shanty dem three days.โ€

โ€œThree days!โ€ exclaimed the justice.

โ€œYassah! Ah been nail up in dat shanty three days anโ€™ three nights,โ€ said Sally, โ€œanโ€™ all dat time Ah been pestered anโ€™ annoyed. Ah been sploshed on mah feet anโ€™ Ah been hungry anโ€™ colโ€™, anโ€™ Ah been insulted. Dat Silas he jusโ€™ hong rounโ€™ dat shanty to make me mizzable, but Ah ainโ€™ give in one bit. No, sah! Ahโ€™d a-died fusโ€™. Fusโ€™ off Ah bang on de doโ€™ anโ€™ Ah bang on de windows, anโ€™ Ah keep wahm, anโ€™ whin Ah get colโ€™ Ah pile some straw in de fireplace anโ€™ Ah get dem matches anโ€™ Ah mek me a straw fire. Anโ€™ prisintly Ah hear Silas scramble-scramble on de roof. โ€˜Whut he up to now?โ€™ Ah say; โ€˜He gwine try climb down de chimbly? Ef he do Ah whack him wid de bed-slat twell he mighty sorry he try dat.โ€™ But he ainโ€™ try hit. No, sah! Splosh! come a pail of wahtah down de chimbly, anโ€™ out go mah fire, anโ€™ mah feet suttinly get sopped. Anโ€™ Silas he say, down de chimbly, lak he voice all clog up wif laughinโ€™, โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit!โ€™ anโ€™ splosh! yere come anudder pail of wahtah.โ€

โ€œWhy, this is no case for me,โ€ said the justice. โ€œThis man should be bound over to the Grand Jury!โ€

โ€œAh donโ€™ care whut yoโ€™ bind him to, so as yoโ€™ bind him good anโ€™ strong,โ€ said Sally, vindictively.[Pg 344] โ€œYevery time Ah try to get wahm by makinโ€™ a fire, down come dat pail of wahtah anโ€™ splosh mah feet, twell Ah think he try to drown me. โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit!โ€™ he shoutโ€™. Hit right colโ€™ in dat shanty, Jedge. Hit pernicious colโ€™. Dat wahtah freeze on de floโ€™, anโ€™ hit freeze on mah shoes, anโ€™ Ah get hungrier anโ€™ hungrier, anโ€™ Ah shout anโ€™ Ah rage, anโ€™ all he say is, โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit!โ€™ Ah bet he ainโ€™! Whin de time come he gwine somewheres ilse!โ€

โ€œHow did you get out, finally?โ€ asked the justice.

โ€œAh keep maulinโ€™ at de doโ€™ wif dat bed-slat all de whiles,โ€ said Sally. โ€œDat a mahty fine piece of bed-slat, dat is. Anโ€™ prisintly, whin Ah about to drap wid hunger anโ€™ colโ€™ anโ€™ die where Ah drap, Ah beat a holโ€™ in de doโ€™. โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit!โ€™ he โ€™low, anโ€™ whack at de bed-slat wif a club, but Ah right smart mad, anโ€™ Ah pry anโ€™ Ah wuk, anโ€™ prisintly Ah pry off one board. Anโ€™ when he see Ah gwine win out he scoot. Yassah! He scoot. Ah โ€™low he run away โ€™cause he afraid, but dass not hit. No, suh! He gwine fotch an ax, foโ€™ to nail up dat doโ€™ agโ€™in. So prisintly Ah wuk dat doโ€™ open anโ€™ Ah step out, anโ€™ whut Ah see? Ah see dat Silas a-standinโ€™ yere in de paff, wid he ax in he hand anโ€™ he mouf wide open, lak Ah been a ghosโ€™. โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit, her?โ€™ Ah say; โ€˜Well, if yoโ€™ ainโ€™ gone yit, yoโ€™ gwine mighty soon!โ€™ anโ€™ I wint foโ€™ him wif de bed-slat, anโ€™ he yell lak blazes whilst Ah gwine murder him. Anโ€™ dat how-come de pleeceman heah him anโ€™ save he life.โ€

The justice folded his hands, his fingers working nervously, as if they longed to take hold of the throat of the dispirited prisoner.

โ€œIn all my experience,โ€ he said, โ€œthis is the most outrageous case I have ever met! I am only sorry I am not the proper official to try this case. I hope this man gets the full penalty of the law. I canโ€™t expressโ€”โ€

He shook his head.

โ€œWhatever possessed you?โ€ he asked the shrinking Silas.

โ€œHis Honor is speakinโ€™ tโ€™ ye!โ€ cried Flaherty, poking Silas with his baton. โ€œSpake up whin he addrisses ye! Why did ye do ut?โ€

โ€œAhโ€”โ€ began Silas, in a thin, scared voice.

โ€œSthand up whin ye addriss thโ€™ coort!โ€ said Flaherty, and Silas stood.

As he stood there was nothing about him that suggested the fiery lover. His drooping shoulders and general air of long-permanent shiftlessness almost gave the lie to the idea that he could have taken the trouble to carry a pail of water to a roof. He looked as if to walk at a shambling gait was about the extreme of any exertion of which he was possible.

โ€œAh didnโ€™ do hit,โ€ he said weakly, and sat down again.

โ€œNow! now!โ€ said Justice Murphy, sharply. โ€œNone of that!โ€

โ€œSthand up whin his Honor addrisses ye!โ€ said Flaherty.

โ€œAh donโ€™ know nuffinโ€™ about hit, Jedge,โ€ said Silas, in a squeaky voice as he half lifted himself out of the chair. โ€œAhโ€™ll tell yoโ€™ all whut Ah know. Ah wint away from mah shanty Monday, โ€™cause Ah got to yearn a dollar foโ€™ to buy a white robe foโ€™ to go to hebben in Tuesday, anโ€™ Ah chop a cord ob wood anโ€™ yearn mah dollar anโ€™ buy mah white robe. Anโ€™ dat night all de prophetโ€™s folks spind de night on de hilltop, a-waitinโ€™ foโ€™ de dawn ob de great day, anโ€™ a-prayinโ€™ anโ€™ a-singinโ€™ anโ€™ a-fastinโ€™. Anโ€™ Tuesday Ah spint awn de hilltop like dat, a-prayinโ€™ anโ€™ a-singinโ€™ anโ€™ a-fastinโ€™ twell de sun shโ€™uโ€™d set. Anโ€™ whin de sun set nuffinโ€™ happen. No, sah. Nobody go nowheres, anโ€™ dey ainโ€™ no prophet no moโ€™, foโ€™ he wint away wid whut he done collicted up endurinโ€™ de revival. So whin dat come about Ah quite pertickler hungry, anโ€™ Ah go foโ€™th tโ€™ yearn some money foโ€™ to get mah food anโ€™ to pay whut Ah owe Noah, โ€™cause he been pesterinโ€™ me about he rint. So Ah get some wood to chop, anโ€™ I chop hit. Anโ€™ bime-by, whin Ah chop all dat wood, Ah guess Ahโ€™ll go home, anโ€™ Ah go home. Anโ€™ whin Ah retch mah shanty, Ah see de doโ€™ bruk, anโ€™ somebody a-yammerinโ€™ on hit, anโ€™ whilst Ah look, out sprong dis Sally Prutt anโ€™ whack me on de haid wid a bed-slat, anโ€™ holler, โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ€™ gone to hebben yit!โ€™ lak she done gwine crazy, anโ€™ ebbery time she whack she holler, anโ€™ ebbery time she holler she whack. So I gwine get away from dere quick, anโ€™ whin Ah run, she run, anโ€™ she shore gwine murder me, ef dish yere pleeceman amโ€™ come anโ€™ stop her.โ€

โ€œJust so!โ€ said Justice Murphy, sar[Pg 345]castically. โ€œAnd you were not near the shanty at all? And you did not nail this woman in it? And you did not pour water down the chimney?โ€

โ€œNo, sah,โ€ said Silas, in a frightened voice.

โ€œOh, you brack liah!โ€ said Sally, angrily.

โ€œAnd I suppose you never said, โ€˜Ainโ€™t gone to heaven yet!โ€™ did you?โ€ said the judge. โ€œYou never heard those words, did you?โ€

Silas looked from side to side, and his lower lip trembled. His back took a more disconsolate droop. There are no words in the English language to describe how utterly downcast and hopeless and woe-saturated he looked. Milton came near it when he said something about โ€œBelow the lowest depths still lower depthsโ€”โ€ In woe Silas was in depths a couple of stories lower than that.

โ€œWell?โ€ said the justice, sharply.

โ€œAnswer his Honor whin he addrisses ye!โ€ shouted Flaherty, and Silas moistened his lips and gulped.

โ€œNo, sah! Ahโ€”Ah ainโ€™ hear them wuds perzackly, nevah befoโ€™. Ah ainโ€™ heah, โ€˜Ainโ€™ gone to hebben.โ€™ Ah jes heah โ€˜Ainโ€™ gwine to hebben.โ€™โ€

โ€œOh, you did hear that, did you?โ€ said the justice. โ€œWho said that?โ€

Silas stared at his boot. He blinked a couple of times, and then spoke.

โ€œOlโ€™ Noah, he say thim wuds,โ€ he said. The judge turned to the old Negro on the chair in the front row, and pointed at him.

โ€œThat Noah?โ€ he asked. โ€œIs that the man?โ€

โ€œYassah,โ€ said Silas, sadly. โ€œDass de man. He say hit.โ€

Old Noah, seeing that the conversation was veering his way, arose and came forward, his hand behind his ear and expectation in his face.

โ€œThutty dollahs, Jedge!โ€ he said eagerly. โ€œDass de right amount. Thutty dollahs.โ€

โ€œYou go set down!โ€ yelled his wife in his ear, but the old man shook his head.

โ€œAinโ€™ he gwine pay hit?โ€ he asked resentfully. โ€œAinโ€™ de jedge gwine mek him pay hit? Whaffoโ€™ Ah nail up de shack ef he ainโ€™ gwine pay hit?โ€

โ€œWhut yoโ€™ palaver about? Nail up de shack! You ainโ€™ nail up no shack. Dat no-โ€™count Silas he nail up de shack,โ€ shouted Sally.

The old man nodded his head and grinned.

โ€œYas, dasso! Dasso! Ah nail up de shack, Jedge,โ€ he chuckled. โ€œAh nail him in. Yassah, Ah done jes so.โ€

โ€œHim?โ€ shouted the justice, โ€œyou mean her?โ€

โ€œYassah, Ah nail him in,โ€ said Noah.

โ€œYou did?โ€ shouted the justice.

โ€œAhโ€”Ah beg pawdon, Jedge,โ€ said the old man. โ€œAh cawnโ€™t heah asโ€”as well as Ah used to heah. Ah cawnโ€™t hear whisperinโ€™ tones no moah. Ahโ€”Ah got to beg yoโ€™ to speak jes a leetle mite louder.โ€

โ€œWHY DID YOU NAIL HIM IN THE SHACK?โ€ shouted Justice Murphy at the top of his voice.

โ€œWhy, โ€™cause he wonโ€™ pay me de rint,โ€ said Noah, as if it was a thing every one should have known. โ€œAinโ€™ Sally been jes tolโ€™ yoโ€™? Ah surmise she done confabulate about that all de whiles she talkinโ€™. Yoโ€™ musโ€™ scuse her, Jedge. Whin de womens staht talkinโ€™, nobuddy know whut dey talk about. Dey jes talk foโ€™ de exumcise. Mah seconโ€™ wife, which am de lasโ€™ but one befoโ€™ Ah tuck Sallyโ€”โ€

โ€œLook here!โ€ shouted Justice Murphy. โ€œWhy did you nail him in the shack?โ€

โ€œZack?โ€ said the old man, doubtfully.[Pg 346] โ€œNo, sah, he name Silas. Dass him yondah. I arsk him foโ€™ de rint, anโ€™ I beg him foโ€™ de rint, anโ€™ I argyfy about dat rint twell Ah jes wohn out, anโ€™ Ah donโ€™ git no rint at all. So bime-by erlong come dish yere prophet whut you heah about, maybe. Ah ainโ€™ tek no stock in dat prophet-man at all! No, sah! Ah โ€™s a good Baptisโ€™ anโ€™ Ah donโ€™ truckle to none oโ€™ dem come-easy, go-easy, folks like dat. Ah stay โ€™way from him, anโ€™ Ah tell Sally she stay way likewise. But dis yere Silas he get de prophet-manโ€™s religion bad. Yassah. He โ€™low he gwine to hebben lasโ€™ Tuesday whin all de resโ€™ ob de gang go. Ah reckon he ainโ€™ gwine go, โ€™cause Ah feel dey ainโ€™ none ob dem gwine go, but Ah canโ€™t be shore. Mosโ€™ anything liโ€™ble to happen whin times so bad like dey is. So Ah projeck up to Silas anโ€™ Ah say to him, โ€˜Ef yoโ€™ gwine to hebben nexโ€™ Tuesday, yoโ€™ bettah pay me de rint befoโ€™ yoโ€™ go.โ€™ Dass whut Ah say, Jedge. Anโ€™โ€”anโ€™โ€”anโ€™ dass reason-able. โ€™Cause ef he gwine to hebben Tuesday, Ah ainโ€™ gwine hab no chance to collict dat rint come Winsday. No, sah.โ€

โ€œThen what?โ€ shouted the justice.

โ€œNuffinโ€™!โ€ said Noah. โ€œNuffinโ€™ at all. He say, โ€˜Scuse me, Noah, but Ah so full ob preparations foโ€™ de great evint Ah ainโ€™ got time to yearn no money to pay de rint.โ€™ Anโ€™ Ah say, โ€˜Silas, Ah want mah rint!โ€™ So, bime-by, whin Monday mawrninโ€™ come erlong, Sally she gwine away to do a job oโ€™ work, anโ€™ Ah meyander ober to Silasโ€™ shack, anโ€™ Ah got mah hatchit anโ€™ mah nails, whut Ah gwine mind de fince. Anโ€™ whin Ah come to de shack All hear de squawk ob a board in de floโ€™ anโ€™ Ah know Silas he in de shack, anโ€™ Ah slam de doโ€™ anโ€™ Ah nail up de doโ€™ anโ€™ he carrye on scandalous, but he canโ€™t git yout. Anโ€™ Ah donโ€™ care whut he say, โ€™cause Ah canโ€™t heah ef he cuss or ef he palaver.

โ€œโ€™Cause Ah ainโ€™ gwine hab no tinint go to hebben like dat whin he owe me rint twell he pay de rint. So Ah reckon Ah leave him dere twell de gwine is all gone, anโ€™ Ah ainโ€™ worried erbout Silas gwine alone by hisseโ€™f. He ainโ€™ got de get-up to do nuffinโ€™ alone by hisseโ€™f. So Ah leab him dah twell he natchully busโ€™ out.โ€

โ€œYou tried to starve him,โ€ shouted the justice. โ€œYou threw water down the chimney.โ€

โ€œDass jes a pre-caution, Jedge, dass jes a pre-caution,โ€ said the old Negro. โ€œAh got mah doubts erbout dat olโ€™ Obediah prophet-man whut come from nowhares. Whin Ah see de smoke a-risinโ€™ from de chimbly, Ah speculate ef et hebben whar de prophet-man gwine tek they-all, or ef he gwine tek dem ilsewhars, anโ€™ Ah cogitate how maybe Silas gwine escape in de flame ob de fiah. Dey yainโ€™t nuffinโ€™ like good olโ€™ Baptisโ€™ water foโ€™ to fight debbilโ€™s fiah, so Ah fotch a couple oโ€™ pailโ€™ ob wahtah, anโ€™ Ah poโ€™ hit down de chimbly, anโ€™ Ah say, โ€˜Yoโ€™ ainโ€™ gwine to hebben yit! Yoโ€™ ainโ€™ gwine to hebben yit!โ€™ Yassah. Anโ€™ he ainโ€™!โ€

He chuckled with glee, but at the same moment he caught a glimpse of Sallyโ€™s face, and his grin gave way to a look of blank surprise. Slowly and carefully Sally was rolling up her sleeves, and her eyes glittered menacingly. Flaherty tapped her on the shoulder.

โ€œNone iv that here!โ€ he said sternly.

The justice looked from one to the other of the parties before him, closed an impressive-looking law book with a bang, and stood up, feeling for his tobacco-pipe in his hip pocket.

โ€œFlaherty,โ€ he said slowly, โ€œthis is not a case for this court. It seems in the nature of a domestic misunderstanding. Under ordinary circumstances,โ€ he added, pressing tobacco into the pipe with his thumb, โ€œI should undertake to explain to all parties just what happened and how it happened and why it happened butโ€”โ€ he looked at old Noah and shook his headโ€”โ€œthere is nothing in the statutes of the State of Iowa compelling a justice of the peace of the County of Riverbank, City of Riverbank and Township of Riverbank, to shout that loud and that long. Case dismissed!โ€

Flaherty herded the three parties out of the room and the justice lighted his pipe.

โ€œWhaffoโ€™ Ah ainโ€™ git mah thutty dollahs?โ€ he heard Uncle Noah ask in the hall. โ€œWhaโ€™ we gwine?โ€

โ€œAh tell yoโ€™ whaโ€™ yoโ€™ ainโ€™ gwine!โ€ he heard Sally shout. โ€œYou ainโ€™ gwine to hebben yit! But yoโ€™ gwine to wish yoโ€™ was gwine โ€™foโ€™ Ah git froo wif yoโ€™!โ€

โ€œFlaherty,โ€ said his Honor, tilting back comfortably and blowing a cloud of blue smoke toward the ceiling, โ€œgo out and warn that woman to keep the peace.โ€

โ€œI will,โ€ said Flaherty, โ€œbut can ye ixpict ut iv her, Murphy?โ€

HydraGT

Social media scholar. Troublemaker. Twitter specialist. Unapologetic web evangelist. Explorer. Writer. Organizer.

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