The Man Who Did Not Go to Heaven on Tuesday by Ellis Parker Butler
The Man Who Did Not Go to Heaven on Tuesday was published in The Century Magazine, July, 1913.
UNCLE NOAH PRUTT, sitting in the front row of seats, leaned forward and put his hand behind his ear, vainly seeking to hear what his wife was saying to Judge Murphy. From time to time he stood up, trying to hear the better, but each time the lanky policeman pushed him back into his seat.
โJudge, yer Honor,โ said the policeman, after the fifth time, โthis man here has nawthinโ tโ do with thโ case, anโ heโs disthurbinโ thโ coort. Shall I thrun him out?โ
โLet him be, Flaherty, let him be!โ said the justice, carelessly, and at the words Uncle Noah arose and came forward to the black walnut bar that separated the raised platform of the justice from the rest of the room.
โAh pleads not guilty, Judge!โ said Uncle Noah, laying one trembling hand on the rail and pushing forward his ear with the other. He was a coal black Negro, with close-kinked white hair that looked like a white wig. His nose was large and flattened against his face, and his eyeballs were streaked with brown veins that gave him a dissipated look. He was the type of Negro that, at fifty, claims eighty years of age, and, so judged, Uncle Noah Prutt might have been anywhere between sixty and one hundred and ten. As he stood at the bar his black face bore a look of the most deeply pained resentment, and his thick lower lip protruded loosely as a sign of woe.
โSit down!โ shouted both the justice of the peace and the policeman, and, with his lip hanging still lower, Uncle Noah backed into his seat. He sat as far forward as he could, and leaned his head still farther forward.
โWho is that man?โ asked the justice of no one in particular.
โHim? Heโs mah husbanโ,โ said the young colored woman, with a slight up-tilt of her nose. โYoโ donโ need to pay no โtention to him at all, Jedge. Ah ainโ ask him to come yere. He ainโ yere in no capacity but audjeence, he ainโ.โ
โHe has no connection with this case?โ asked the justice.
โNo, sah!โ said the young woman, decidedly.
โIf he makes any more trouble, Flaherty,โ said the justice, โput him out of the court. Now, what is this trouble, Sally?โ
The young woman standing against the bar was fit to be classed as a beauty. Well-formed, with a rich yellow skin through which the blood glowed in her cheeks, with masses of black hair and her head carried high, she was superb, even in her cheap print wrapper. Even the fact that her feet were hideous in a pair of broken and run-down shoes of the sort worn by men did not impair her general appearance of an injured brown Venus seeking justice, and when she glanced at the prisoner her bosom heaved with anger and her brown eyes glowed dangerously.
The prisoner sat humped down in a chair in an attitude of the most profound dejection. He was of a darker brown than the woman, and so loose of joint that when he moved he flopped. His feet were so large as to be almost grotesque, and he was so thin that the bones of his shoulders were outlined by his light coat. But as he sat in the prisonerโs seat his face was the most noticeable feature. It was thin and long for a Negro, but with such high and prominent cheek-bones that his eyes seemed hidden in deep caves, and the eyes were like those of a dog that knows he is to be beaten. His wide mouth hung far down at the corners. He was a picture of the utterly crushed, the utterly helpless, the utterly hopeless. He was the shiftless Negro, with the last ray of hope extinguished. He had but one thing to look forward to, and that was the worst. As the justice asked Sally the question the prisonerโs mouth sagged a bit farther at the ends, and his eyes took a still sadder dullness.
[Pg 341]โYoโ ainโ miss it none when yoโ asks whut am dis trouble, Jedge,โ said Sally, angrily. โDis yere ainโ nuttinโ but trouble, anโ I gwine ask yoโ to send dis yere Silas to jail forebber anโ ebber. Yassah! Anโ den he ainโ gwine be in jail long enough to suit me. Anโ Ah gwine ask yoโ to declare damages agโinst him, foโ huhtinโ mah feelinโs, anโ foโ tryinโ to drown me, anโ foโ abductinโ me away from dat poor olโ no-โcount Noah whut am mah husbanโ, anโ foโ alieamatinโ mah affections, onโy he couldnโt. When Ah whack him awn de head wid dat bed-slatโโ
โNow, one minute,โ said the justice, raising his hand. โFlaherty, what do you know about this case?โ
โWell, yer Honor,โ said the policeman, in the confidential tone an officer of the law assumes when he feels that he, and he only, can explain matters, โthโ way ut was was this way: I was walkinโ me beat up there awn Twilfโ Strate this mawrninโ, like I always does, whin I heard a yellinโ anโ a shoutinโ. So I run into thโ lotโโ
โWhat lot?โ asked Justice Murphy.
โโTwas betwane Olive anโ Beech Strates, yer Honor. This here deff man, Noah Prutt, lives in a shack-like there, facinโ awn thโ strate. Thโ vacant lot is full iv thim hazel-brushes anโ what all I dunno.โ
โYou said there was a shanty on the lot. How could it be a vacant lot if there was a shanty on it?โ asked the justice.
โNow, yer Honor,โ said Flaherty, with an ingratiating smile, โthereโs moore than wan lot in thโ wurrld, ainโt there? Thโ lot this Noah Prutt lives awn is wan iv thim. And thโ nixt wan is another iv thim. Anโ thโ nixt wan tโ that is thโ third iv thim, anโ thโ ould Darky owns all iv thim, and iv thโ three iv thim but wan is vacant, and thatโs thโ middle wan. Thereโs a shanty awn thโ furrst wan, and thereโs a shanty awn thโ thurrd wan, anโ as I was sayinโ, thereโs nawthinโ awn thโ vacant wan excipt brush-like, anโ mebby a few trees, anโ some tin cans, anโ whatnot.โ
โVery good!โ said his honor. โGo ahead.โ
โWell, sor,โ said Flaherty, โthis Prutt anโ this wife iv his lives in thโ furrst shanty, but thโ other wan is vacant excipt whin โt is occupied. Thโ ould man rints ut now anโ again, anโ a dang lonely habitation ut is, set โway back frโm thโ strate, like ut is. So here I was, cominโ along, whin I hear thโ racket in thโ vacant lot, anโ whin I got there amidst thโ hazel-brush here was this Sally a-hammerinโ this Silas over thโ head wid a bed-slat, anโ him yellinโ bloody-murdther. So I tuck thim up, thโ botโ iv thim, yer Honor.โ
โAnd thatโs all you know of the case?โ asked the judge.
โExcipt what she tould me,โ said Flaherty.
โAnd what was that?โ asked Judge Murphy.
โUt was what previnted me from arristinโ her for assault anโ batthery,โ said Flaherty, โfor if iver a man was assaulted anโ batthered, this same Silas was. She can wield a bed-slat like a warryor.โ
โAhโd โaโ killed him! Ahโd โaโ killed him shore!โ said Sally.
โShe wโuโd!โ said Flaherty, briefly. โThim Naygurs have thโ harrd heads, but wan more whack anโ heโd iv had a crack in thโ cranyum. So I wrested thโ bed-slat from her. Thโ place looked like thereโd been a war, yer Honor. Plinty iv thim hazel-brushes sheโd mowed down wid thโ bed-slat thryinโ tโ murdther him. Anโ whin I heard thโ sthory, I did not blame her.โ
โI have been waiting patiently to hear it myself,โ said the justice.
โAccordinโ tโ thโ lady,โ said Flaherty, โsheโs a respictable married woman, yer Honor, bound in thโ clamps iv wedlock to this Noah Prutt, anโ niver stheppinโ tโ wan side iv thโ path iv wifely duty or to thโ other. โTis nawthinโ tโ us why a foine-lookinโ gurrl like her shโuโd marry anโ ould felly like him. Maybe him havinโ two houses atthracted her. I dunno. But, annyway, sheโs had tโ wash thโ wolf from thโ doore.โ
โHad to do what?โ asked the justice.
โGo out doinโ weekโs wash tโ kape food in thโ house,โ explained Flaherty. โFor thโ ould man will not wurrk much. Heโs got that used tโ livinโ awn thโ rint iv thโ exthra shanty, ye see. Anโ thereโs been no rint cominโ in this long whiles, for thโ prisoner at thโ bar has been thโ tinint iv thโ shanty, anโ he ped no rint at all.โ
โWhy not?โ asked the justice.
โWell, sor,โ said Flaherty, rubbing the hair at the back of his neck and grinning,[Pg 342] โthโ lady here says heโs been that busy coortinโ her heโs had no time tโ wurrk. โTwas nawthinโ frโm wan ind iv thโ week till thโ other but, โWill ye elope wid me, darlint?โ anโ, โCome now, lโave thโ ould man anโ be me own turtle-dove!โโ
โAh tolโ him Ah gwine murder him ef he gwine keep up dat-a-way of proceedinโ!โ cried Sally, shrilly. โAh tolโ him! Ah say, โGo on away, you wuthless deadbeat Nigger! Whaโ donโ you pay yoโ rent like a man, befoโ yoโ come talkinโ โbout supportinโ a lady?โ Dass whut Ah tolโ him, Jedge. Anโ whut he say? He say, โSally gal! Ah gwine nab yoโ anโ hab yoโ. Ah gwine steal yoโ anโ lock yoโ up, anโ nail yoโ up, anโ keep yoโ!โ Dass whut he say. Anโ he done hit!โ
โStole you, and locked you up?โ asked the judge.
โYassah!โ cried Sally, glaring at the trembling Silas. โHe lock me up, anโ he nail me up, anโ he try to drown me, ef Ah ainโ say whut he want me to say. Dat low-down, hypocritical Nigger! Yassah! Ah tole him, โSilas, ef yoโ donโ go way anโ leave me alone Ah gwine tek mah hands anโ Ah gwine yank all de wool right offen yoโ haid!โ Dass whut Ah say, Jedge. Anโ Ah say, โEf yoโ donโ shet up Ah gwine tear yoโ eyes out!โ Anโ Ah means it. Talkinโ up to me like dat! Anโ den whut he do?โ
She held out her hand toward the dejected Silas and shook her finger at him.
โDen whut he do? He see Ah ainโ to be coaxโ dat-a-way, โcause he a no-โcount Nigger, anโ he let on he purtind he get religion anโ wuk on mah feelinโs. Yassah! โCause he know Ahโs religious mahsilf anโ he cogitate how he come lak a snake in de grass anโ cotch me whin Ah ainโ thinkinโ no meanness of him. So long come dish yere prophet-man, whut call hisself Obediah, whut get all de Niggers wuk up anโ a-shoutinโ over yonder on de olโ camp grounโs. Ah amโ tek no stock in dat Obediah prophet-man, Jedge, โcause Ah a good Baptisโ, lak mah husbanโ yonder; but plinty of de black folks dey run to him, anโ dey hear him perorate anโ carry on, anโ dey get sot in dere minds dat dey gwine to hebben lasโ Tuesday night whin de sun set. Yassah, dass whut dey think, โcause de prophet-man he pretch dat-a-way. Anโ dis yere Silas he let on he gwine to hebben along wid de rest of de folks.โ
She let her lip curl scornfully.
โHim a-gwine to hebben!โ she scoffed. โBut Ah ainโ but half believe he got religion lak he say. Ah say, โLuk out, Sally! Ef he gwine to hebben nexโ Tuesday let him go; anโ if he ainโ gwine, let him alone.โ But yoโ look at him, Jedge! Jes look at him! He ainโ look so dangeroos, is he? Anโ whin he come to me anโ say, โSally, Ah done got quit of de olโ Nick whut was in me, anโ Ah gwine be lak dat no moโ,โ Ah jes got to believe him. Yassah! He dat pernicious meek anโ lowly anโ sorrumful-like dat Ah ainโ suspict no divilment at all. โAh feel troubled in mah conscience,โ he say, โโcause Ah been tryinโ to lead yoโ on de wrong paff, anโ Ah canโt go to hebben nexโ Tuesday lesโ yoโ forgib me,โ he say, anโ he look so downheartโ anโ seem lak he so set on gwine to hebben wid de rest ob de folks, dat Ah say, โAll right, Silas, Ah donโ hold no hard feelinโs. Ef yoโ donโ bodder me no more, Ah forgib yoโ whut is pasโ anโ done for, but ef yoโ gwine to hebben yoโ better clean up yoโ house anโ put hit in order, lak de Book say, before yoโ start, โcause ef yoโ donโ yoโ gwine get sint back, shore!โ So he let on lak dat how he think, too. He purtind to thank me kinely foโ dat recommindation, anโ he askโ cโuโd Ah lind him a scrub pail anโ a mop anโ a broom, twell he clean up he house. Anโ I so done.
โDass all right! He scrub, anโ he wash, anโ he clean, anโ he move all he furniture out in de lot, anโ he clean, anโ he wash, anโ he scrub! He ainโ wuk lak dat foโ months, Jedge. So den Ah think shore he got religion, lak he let on. So, come Monday, Ah got a job down to Misโ Gilbertโs scrubbinโ her house, anโ Ah jes got to hab dat pail anโ dat mop anโ dat broom. So Ah tell Noah whut job Ah got, anโ Ah say, โNoah, Ah gwine down to Misโ Gilbertโs house, foโ to help clean house, anโ ef she want me, Ah gwine stay right dah twell de house all cleanโ up.โ Cause dat a long perambulation down to Misโ Gilbertโs house, Jedge, anโ ef she ask me to stay a couple oโ days, Ah gwine save mah breakfasโ anโ mah suppah whilst Ah stay down yonder. So Ah go outen de house anโ Ah walk down de street twell Ah come to de gate whut lead up to Silasโ house, anโ Ah walk up de paff, anโ Ah knock on de doโ. Nobody say nuffinโ! Ah knock agโin. Nobody say nuffinโ! Ah open de doโ gintly, anโ Ah peek in. Ai[Pg 343]nโ nobody in de shack at all. So Ah steps in, foโ to get mah pail anโ mah mop anโ mah broom.
โDab dey set, right by de doโ, anโ excipt foโ dem, dey ainโ nuffinโ in de shack at all but de straw outen Silas heโs bed, anโ dat all scatter arounโ lak to dry anโ air out. Excipt dey one bed-slat whut Ah calculate Silas he keep handy foโ to whack at de rats, which am mighty pestiferous about dat shack. So whin Ah seen he done clean up yeverything as neat as a pin, my heart soften unto him. Ah jes gwine feel sorry foโ him, de leasโ little bit. So Ah gwine look in de cupboard to see ef he got plenty to eatโanโ he ainโ got nuffinโ in de cupboard but a box of matches, anโ dat all! So Ah feel right smart sorry I been scold him lak I do, anโ Ah gwine pick up mah pail anโ mah mop anโ mah broom whinโbang!โde doโ go shut anโ Ah all in de dark.โ
โSome one shut the door?โ asked the justice.
โHe shet de doโ!โ shouted Sally, shrilly, pointing her finger at the trembling Silas. โHe shet de doโ, anโ he lock de doโ, anโ he start to nail de doโ, lak he say he would! Yassah! Ah bang mahsilf agโinst de doโ anโ Ah yell anโ shout, anโ de doโ donโt budge, โcause hit locked. Anโ all de whileโbam! bam! bam!โhe nailinโ de doโ from de outside. Ah pounโ wif mah fists anโ Ah peck up mah pail anโ slam at de doโ twell de pail all busโ to pieces, anโ Ah bang mah mop to pieces, butโbam! bam! bam!โhe go on nailinโ.โ
She paused for breath, and Silas opened his mouth, as if to speak, but closed it again.
โYassah!โ she shrilled, glaring at Silas, โhe nail up de doโ so Ah canโt budge hit, anโ whin Ah try de windows, dey nailed up too.โ
โThereโs two iv thim doors,โ explained Flaherty, โanโ both iv thim open outward. Heโd nailed sthrips acrost thim. Thโ two windys has wooden shutters, and heโd nailed thim fast.โ
โWhat!โ exclaimed Justice Murphy. โHe nailed the woman in?โ
โHe did, sor!โ
โButโbut this is outrageous!โ exclaimed the justice.
All three glared at the dejected Silas, and did not see Noah Prutt as he arose from his chair.
โMake him pay, Jedge! Make him pay!โ cried Noah, eagerly.
โSit ye down!โ cried Flaherty, in a voice of thunder, and Noah subsided. On the edge of his chair he nodded like a toy mandarin. He understood that things were going badly for Silas, and that was enough to please him. Sally turned to him and shouted in his ear.
โShet up anโ stay shet!โ she cried. โThis is none of yoโ business, Noah. Ah gwine manage this mahsilf!โ
The old man smiled and nodded his willingness. As she turned away he touched her on the arm.
โThutty dollahs,โ he said, and nodded and smiled again.
โThutty nuffinโs!โ she muttered. โAh guess yoโ Honor will know whut Ah ought to get from dat Silas, anโ whut he ought to get from yoโ. โCause Ah suffer a heap oโ distress of minโ anโ body whilst Ah been shet up in dat shanty dem three days.โ
โThree days!โ exclaimed the justice.
โYassah! Ah been nail up in dat shanty three days anโ three nights,โ said Sally, โanโ all dat time Ah been pestered anโ annoyed. Ah been sploshed on mah feet anโ Ah been hungry anโ colโ, anโ Ah been insulted. Dat Silas he jusโ hong rounโ dat shanty to make me mizzable, but Ah ainโ give in one bit. No, sah! Ahโd a-died fusโ. Fusโ off Ah bang on de doโ anโ Ah bang on de windows, anโ Ah keep wahm, anโ whin Ah get colโ Ah pile some straw in de fireplace anโ Ah get dem matches anโ Ah mek me a straw fire. Anโ prisintly Ah hear Silas scramble-scramble on de roof. โWhut he up to now?โ Ah say; โHe gwine try climb down de chimbly? Ef he do Ah whack him wid de bed-slat twell he mighty sorry he try dat.โ But he ainโ try hit. No, sah! Splosh! come a pail of wahtah down de chimbly, anโ out go mah fire, anโ mah feet suttinly get sopped. Anโ Silas he say, down de chimbly, lak he voice all clog up wif laughinโ, โAinโ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ gone to hebben yit!โ anโ splosh! yere come anudder pail of wahtah.โ
โWhy, this is no case for me,โ said the justice. โThis man should be bound over to the Grand Jury!โ
โAh donโ care whut yoโ bind him to, so as yoโ bind him good anโ strong,โ said Sally, vindictively.[Pg 344] โYevery time Ah try to get wahm by makinโ a fire, down come dat pail of wahtah anโ splosh mah feet, twell Ah think he try to drown me. โAinโ gone to hebben yit!โ he shoutโ. Hit right colโ in dat shanty, Jedge. Hit pernicious colโ. Dat wahtah freeze on de floโ, anโ hit freeze on mah shoes, anโ Ah get hungrier anโ hungrier, anโ Ah shout anโ Ah rage, anโ all he say is, โAinโ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ gone to hebben yit!โ Ah bet he ainโ! Whin de time come he gwine somewheres ilse!โ
โHow did you get out, finally?โ asked the justice.
โAh keep maulinโ at de doโ wif dat bed-slat all de whiles,โ said Sally. โDat a mahty fine piece of bed-slat, dat is. Anโ prisintly, whin Ah about to drap wid hunger anโ colโ anโ die where Ah drap, Ah beat a holโ in de doโ. โAinโ gone to hebben yit!โ he โlow, anโ whack at de bed-slat wif a club, but Ah right smart mad, anโ Ah pry anโ Ah wuk, anโ prisintly Ah pry off one board. Anโ when he see Ah gwine win out he scoot. Yassah! He scoot. Ah โlow he run away โcause he afraid, but dass not hit. No, suh! He gwine fotch an ax, foโ to nail up dat doโ agโin. So prisintly Ah wuk dat doโ open anโ Ah step out, anโ whut Ah see? Ah see dat Silas a-standinโ yere in de paff, wid he ax in he hand anโ he mouf wide open, lak Ah been a ghosโ. โAinโ gone to hebben yit, her?โ Ah say; โWell, if yoโ ainโ gone yit, yoโ gwine mighty soon!โ anโ I wint foโ him wif de bed-slat, anโ he yell lak blazes whilst Ah gwine murder him. Anโ dat how-come de pleeceman heah him anโ save he life.โ
The justice folded his hands, his fingers working nervously, as if they longed to take hold of the throat of the dispirited prisoner.
โIn all my experience,โ he said, โthis is the most outrageous case I have ever met! I am only sorry I am not the proper official to try this case. I hope this man gets the full penalty of the law. I canโt expressโโ
He shook his head.
โWhatever possessed you?โ he asked the shrinking Silas.
โHis Honor is speakinโ tโ ye!โ cried Flaherty, poking Silas with his baton. โSpake up whin he addrisses ye! Why did ye do ut?โ
โAhโโ began Silas, in a thin, scared voice.
โSthand up whin ye addriss thโ coort!โ said Flaherty, and Silas stood.
As he stood there was nothing about him that suggested the fiery lover. His drooping shoulders and general air of long-permanent shiftlessness almost gave the lie to the idea that he could have taken the trouble to carry a pail of water to a roof. He looked as if to walk at a shambling gait was about the extreme of any exertion of which he was possible.
โAh didnโ do hit,โ he said weakly, and sat down again.
โNow! now!โ said Justice Murphy, sharply. โNone of that!โ
โSthand up whin his Honor addrisses ye!โ said Flaherty.
โAh donโ know nuffinโ about hit, Jedge,โ said Silas, in a squeaky voice as he half lifted himself out of the chair. โAhโll tell yoโ all whut Ah know. Ah wint away from mah shanty Monday, โcause Ah got to yearn a dollar foโ to buy a white robe foโ to go to hebben in Tuesday, anโ Ah chop a cord ob wood anโ yearn mah dollar anโ buy mah white robe. Anโ dat night all de prophetโs folks spind de night on de hilltop, a-waitinโ foโ de dawn ob de great day, anโ a-prayinโ anโ a-singinโ anโ a-fastinโ. Anโ Tuesday Ah spint awn de hilltop like dat, a-prayinโ anโ a-singinโ anโ a-fastinโ twell de sun shโuโd set. Anโ whin de sun set nuffinโ happen. No, sah. Nobody go nowheres, anโ dey ainโ no prophet no moโ, foโ he wint away wid whut he done collicted up endurinโ de revival. So whin dat come about Ah quite pertickler hungry, anโ Ah go foโth tโ yearn some money foโ to get mah food anโ to pay whut Ah owe Noah, โcause he been pesterinโ me about he rint. So Ah get some wood to chop, anโ I chop hit. Anโ bime-by, whin Ah chop all dat wood, Ah guess Ahโll go home, anโ Ah go home. Anโ whin Ah retch mah shanty, Ah see de doโ bruk, anโ somebody a-yammerinโ on hit, anโ whilst Ah look, out sprong dis Sally Prutt anโ whack me on de haid wid a bed-slat, anโ holler, โAinโ gone to hebben yit! Ainโ gone to hebben yit!โ lak she done gwine crazy, anโ ebbery time she whack she holler, anโ ebbery time she holler she whack. So I gwine get away from dere quick, anโ whin Ah run, she run, anโ she shore gwine murder me, ef dish yere pleeceman amโ come anโ stop her.โ
โJust so!โ said Justice Murphy, sar[Pg 345]castically. โAnd you were not near the shanty at all? And you did not nail this woman in it? And you did not pour water down the chimney?โ
โNo, sah,โ said Silas, in a frightened voice.
โOh, you brack liah!โ said Sally, angrily.
โAnd I suppose you never said, โAinโt gone to heaven yet!โ did you?โ said the judge. โYou never heard those words, did you?โ
Silas looked from side to side, and his lower lip trembled. His back took a more disconsolate droop. There are no words in the English language to describe how utterly downcast and hopeless and woe-saturated he looked. Milton came near it when he said something about โBelow the lowest depths still lower depthsโโ In woe Silas was in depths a couple of stories lower than that.
โWell?โ said the justice, sharply.
โAnswer his Honor whin he addrisses ye!โ shouted Flaherty, and Silas moistened his lips and gulped.
โNo, sah! AhโAh ainโ hear them wuds perzackly, nevah befoโ. Ah ainโ heah, โAinโ gone to hebben.โ Ah jes heah โAinโ gwine to hebben.โโ
โOh, you did hear that, did you?โ said the justice. โWho said that?โ
Silas stared at his boot. He blinked a couple of times, and then spoke.
โOlโ Noah, he say thim wuds,โ he said. The judge turned to the old Negro on the chair in the front row, and pointed at him.
โThat Noah?โ he asked. โIs that the man?โ
โYassah,โ said Silas, sadly. โDass de man. He say hit.โ
Old Noah, seeing that the conversation was veering his way, arose and came forward, his hand behind his ear and expectation in his face.
โThutty dollahs, Jedge!โ he said eagerly. โDass de right amount. Thutty dollahs.โ
โYou go set down!โ yelled his wife in his ear, but the old man shook his head.
โAinโ he gwine pay hit?โ he asked resentfully. โAinโ de jedge gwine mek him pay hit? Whaffoโ Ah nail up de shack ef he ainโ gwine pay hit?โ
โWhut yoโ palaver about? Nail up de shack! You ainโ nail up no shack. Dat no-โcount Silas he nail up de shack,โ shouted Sally.
The old man nodded his head and grinned.
โYas, dasso! Dasso! Ah nail up de shack, Jedge,โ he chuckled. โAh nail him in. Yassah, Ah done jes so.โ
โHim?โ shouted the justice, โyou mean her?โ
โYassah, Ah nail him in,โ said Noah.
โYou did?โ shouted the justice.
โAhโAh beg pawdon, Jedge,โ said the old man. โAh cawnโt heah asโas well as Ah used to heah. Ah cawnโt hear whisperinโ tones no moah. AhโAh got to beg yoโ to speak jes a leetle mite louder.โ
โWHY DID YOU NAIL HIM IN THE SHACK?โ shouted Justice Murphy at the top of his voice.
โWhy, โcause he wonโ pay me de rint,โ said Noah, as if it was a thing every one should have known. โAinโ Sally been jes tolโ yoโ? Ah surmise she done confabulate about that all de whiles she talkinโ. Yoโ musโ scuse her, Jedge. Whin de womens staht talkinโ, nobuddy know whut dey talk about. Dey jes talk foโ de exumcise. Mah seconโ wife, which am de lasโ but one befoโ Ah tuck Sallyโโ
โLook here!โ shouted Justice Murphy. โWhy did you nail him in the shack?โ
โZack?โ said the old man, doubtfully.[Pg 346] โNo, sah, he name Silas. Dass him yondah. I arsk him foโ de rint, anโ I beg him foโ de rint, anโ I argyfy about dat rint twell Ah jes wohn out, anโ Ah donโ git no rint at all. So bime-by erlong come dish yere prophet whut you heah about, maybe. Ah ainโ tek no stock in dat prophet-man at all! No, sah! Ah โs a good Baptisโ anโ Ah donโ truckle to none oโ dem come-easy, go-easy, folks like dat. Ah stay โway from him, anโ Ah tell Sally she stay way likewise. But dis yere Silas he get de prophet-manโs religion bad. Yassah. He โlow he gwine to hebben lasโ Tuesday whin all de resโ ob de gang go. Ah reckon he ainโ gwine go, โcause Ah feel dey ainโ none ob dem gwine go, but Ah canโt be shore. Mosโ anything liโble to happen whin times so bad like dey is. So Ah projeck up to Silas anโ Ah say to him, โEf yoโ gwine to hebben nexโ Tuesday, yoโ bettah pay me de rint befoโ yoโ go.โ Dass whut Ah say, Jedge. Anโโanโโanโ dass reason-able. โCause ef he gwine to hebben Tuesday, Ah ainโ gwine hab no chance to collict dat rint come Winsday. No, sah.โ
โThen what?โ shouted the justice.
โNuffinโ!โ said Noah. โNuffinโ at all. He say, โScuse me, Noah, but Ah so full ob preparations foโ de great evint Ah ainโ got time to yearn no money to pay de rint.โ Anโ Ah say, โSilas, Ah want mah rint!โ So, bime-by, whin Monday mawrninโ come erlong, Sally she gwine away to do a job oโ work, anโ Ah meyander ober to Silasโ shack, anโ Ah got mah hatchit anโ mah nails, whut Ah gwine mind de fince. Anโ whin Ah come to de shack All hear de squawk ob a board in de floโ anโ Ah know Silas he in de shack, anโ Ah slam de doโ anโ Ah nail up de doโ anโ he carrye on scandalous, but he canโt git yout. Anโ Ah donโ care whut he say, โcause Ah canโt heah ef he cuss or ef he palaver.
โโCause Ah ainโ gwine hab no tinint go to hebben like dat whin he owe me rint twell he pay de rint. So Ah reckon Ah leave him dere twell de gwine is all gone, anโ Ah ainโ worried erbout Silas gwine alone by hisseโf. He ainโ got de get-up to do nuffinโ alone by hisseโf. So Ah leab him dah twell he natchully busโ out.โ
โYou tried to starve him,โ shouted the justice. โYou threw water down the chimney.โ
โDass jes a pre-caution, Jedge, dass jes a pre-caution,โ said the old Negro. โAh got mah doubts erbout dat olโ Obediah prophet-man whut come from nowhares. Whin Ah see de smoke a-risinโ from de chimbly, Ah speculate ef et hebben whar de prophet-man gwine tek they-all, or ef he gwine tek dem ilsewhars, anโ Ah cogitate how maybe Silas gwine escape in de flame ob de fiah. Dey yainโt nuffinโ like good olโ Baptisโ water foโ to fight debbilโs fiah, so Ah fotch a couple oโ pailโ ob wahtah, anโ Ah poโ hit down de chimbly, anโ Ah say, โYoโ ainโ gwine to hebben yit! Yoโ ainโ gwine to hebben yit!โ Yassah. Anโ he ainโ!โ
He chuckled with glee, but at the same moment he caught a glimpse of Sallyโs face, and his grin gave way to a look of blank surprise. Slowly and carefully Sally was rolling up her sleeves, and her eyes glittered menacingly. Flaherty tapped her on the shoulder.
โNone iv that here!โ he said sternly.
The justice looked from one to the other of the parties before him, closed an impressive-looking law book with a bang, and stood up, feeling for his tobacco-pipe in his hip pocket.
โFlaherty,โ he said slowly, โthis is not a case for this court. It seems in the nature of a domestic misunderstanding. Under ordinary circumstances,โ he added, pressing tobacco into the pipe with his thumb, โI should undertake to explain to all parties just what happened and how it happened and why it happened butโโ he looked at old Noah and shook his headโโthere is nothing in the statutes of the State of Iowa compelling a justice of the peace of the County of Riverbank, City of Riverbank and Township of Riverbank, to shout that loud and that long. Case dismissed!โ
Flaherty herded the three parties out of the room and the justice lighted his pipe.
โWhaffoโ Ah ainโ git mah thutty dollahs?โ he heard Uncle Noah ask in the hall. โWhaโ we gwine?โ
โAh tell yoโ whaโ yoโ ainโ gwine!โ he heard Sally shout. โYou ainโ gwine to hebben yit! But yoโ gwine to wish yoโ was gwine โfoโ Ah git froo wif yoโ!โ
โFlaherty,โ said his Honor, tilting back comfortably and blowing a cloud of blue smoke toward the ceiling, โgo out and warn that woman to keep the peace.โ
โI will,โ said Flaherty, โbut can ye ixpict ut iv her, Murphy?โ